So I go to our grubby little Chinese take away today as I attempt to stay on my 'no-carb' diet. This diet really puts me through the ringer and sometimes out of desperation I need a 'taste' of something that resembles real food instead of having to suffer tuna on cucumber slices. Because I am on no-carb it certainly doesn't mean I am remotely interested in anything that might be healthy.
Anyway whilst ordering ribs, beef and beansprouts and a portion of chicken and veggies, my eye was drawn to a glossy looking magazine on the counter titled 'Asian Restaurant Guide'. On the front cover was a picture of the outside of the take-away I was standing in. Given that they had given me an ETA of 10 minute on my food (which on most normal watches always supercedes 20 no matter how quiet they are) I thought i'd take a look at the article which had got them delivered to such a prominent place in the magazine.
Before I continue, I want to say I have regularly been disappointed with what is classed as Chinese food in America. Over-battered, oversalted and bland, being the consistencey of mediocricy that these places seem to fall within. Our local take-away being no exception and never bucking the trend unless it's been downward, hence why I was intrigued how they had made there way onto the front of this 'industry magazine'. Had they paid there way in, who knows ? But I thought why out of all the crappy take-outs, in all of America, how had this one got such coverage.
As I opened the magazine I was greeted by a photo of one of their tables. Not the food-stained, scratched up, made of some cheap plastic disguised as wood type material that was sitting there in front of my very eyes, but instead a beautiful velvet red tableclothed structure, which had an imitation 'direct from Beijing' Golden Dragon sitting on it, whilst carrying two bottles of Soy Sauce and handcarved chopsticks. Furthermore on the table were two trendy black plates sitting there that looked like they belonged in the Ideal Homes Exhibition. My first take was that they had just lifted a picture from a posh Chinese restaurants website, however on closer inspection I noticed that the tables adjoining 'bench' was indeed the one from the restaurant, but instead of lookig like a bench that had regularly supported the weight of 30 pound plus people over the last 20 years. These benches were perfectly upright, and dare say it, looked inviting enough that you would say to your family, let's go for a meal there. However knowing that the normal procedure is sitting on crap, eating with packaged chopsticks or plastic forks from a paper plate, that this was just to create a little 'homely' illision. The place only has two tables so everyone knows it's not a restaurant and just a seedy little takeaway serving bad food to desperate tubbies like myself.
However as I read on, not only was this place presenting itself as a restaurant, it had the audacity to start suggesting they had a superior selection of foods over other establishments due to it's chef's special sauces etc. More pictures showed 'dishes' that had been cooked by the chef that had nothing to do with the sloop they had been serving me the last 6 years. This look like it had come from General Tso's kitchen itself. I am all for a bit of creative marketing but this was taking the piss. I would have preferred them to say, "look we ain't got anything on anyone else, we use the same wholesalers to buy our low quality, frozen meats and fish. Our chef's order our special sauces by the gallon but bear in mind that these sauces may come direct from China so if paint-thinner's your thing, we're the place to be".
I guess my point is this. No matter how muc lipstick you put on a pig, it's still a pig. There is nothing wrong with being low grade, low quality. Some of the best greasy-spoon's I have ever eaten in have been the dirtiest mostdigusting places on earth. Places where health inspectors fear to tread, but the moment you see the building, you know what your getting into. I prefer that honestly than pretending to be something your not. When our local chinese takeaway tries to promote itself as a fine dining experience ,when it's anything but, it makes me realize that it just takes a few selective pictures to make Mark Nash into Brad Pitt or water into wine. I am going to tuck into my, organically flavoured, slowly baked over several hours, hand selected spare ribs personally chosen by the chef himself for my pleasure.............................. bon appetit
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